Judgy McJudgerson

I've come to realize something monumental that has the potential to forever change my life. I realized that I care way too much about what people think. Not in the normal, "Oh, is my outfit trendy enough today?" kind of way. But in the, "Is who I am and what I'm doing with my life valid in the eyes of others?" kind of way. Yikes. 

I look to others for validation and am afraid that my life doesn't measure up to some standard I've made up in my own head. I'm so afraid of being judged by everyone because (here's another dirty little secret...) I judge everyone. All the time. I judge what they look like, what they wear, what they do, how they do it. Everything. And it makes me feel sick inside. Like I have some invisible measuring stick that I'm carrying around and if anyone surpasses it I feel less than and if anyone misses the mark I feel greater than. Ugh, it's so ugly. And it's not Jesus. 

The worst part is this has nothing to do with everyone else and everything to do with me. You see, my own insecurity and twisted sense of self-worth has trapped me to believe that my titles, my accomplishments and the number of likes I receive on Instagram define who I am. But these are all lies. My worth and my identity are found in Christ and in what He says about me. He says I am chosen, redeemed, loved and forgiven. And bonus, He accepts me, all of me, just as I am. 

Maybe I'm alone in this "judging others/feeling less than" boat. But if for some reason I'm not, let me encourage you today that you are not defined by the labels that have been placed on you or that you have placed on yourself. You are defined by Him-the one full of enough grace and mercy to cover everything. Even that thing. Embrace this truth today and allow your identity to be wrapped up in who He says you are. It's in that place where you'll find true freedom. 

Be the Church

It was the end of the work day, so I hurriedly packed my things and headed for the door. I saw the woman sitting in the waiting area and she let out a friendly, “hello,” as a smile spread across her face. I returned the greeting, gave a quick smile of my own and walked out the office. Immediate conviction hit me as I could clearly tell the woman was looking for some sort of assistance. I brushed it off, telling myself I was in a hurry and someone else would eventually find her. I sat in my car, held the key in my hand and was ready to turn the ignition, but the conviction only grew stronger. After all, I do work at a church, so helping people in need is sort of in my job description. I begrudgingly drug myself back inside, only to find that someone else had indeed come across the woman and had reached out to assist her. I swiveled back around and headed for the car.

All the way home I thought about this missed opportunity. I wondered how many times throughout my day I came across someone hurting and in need, yet I brushed them off simply because they didn’t fit into my schedule. I wondered what would happen if instead of being so focused on doing my job within the church, I actually became the church. The literal hands and feet that we so often reference, yet so frequently fail to put into action. You see, when Jesus was here, His main objective was not to bury Himself inside the walls of the church. He WAS the church. He went to the people. He met them in their mess. He did not bind himself by rules, regulations and religion. He came to spread redemption.

So today I would challenge you, just as the situation with the woman I encountered challenged me. Untangle yourself from your schedule and agenda and open your eyes to the needs around you. Don’t just live inside the walls of the church.
BE the church.

The God of the 'how'

I’ve spent the past two years of my life living in Honduras as a Missionary Associate. Two weeks ago I got on a bus and left that country. One week ago I came back to the states. It’s a strange transition going from foreigner to citizen. As much as I would love to say that the adjustment has been easy, the truth is I’ve felt out of my element and lost in a place that is supposedly my home. However, as much as this process has been painful, it’s something God has been using to draw me closer to Him. It’s amazing how much I really need Him. How much I depend on Him to lead and guide me every day. 

In the months leading up to this transition I’ve been faced with the inevitable question: “What’s next?” It’s a question that I’ve come to despise because in reality I don’t have the answer. I would love to believe that I know exactly what’s coming next, but if I’ve learned anything over the last two years, it’s that God doesn’t operate according to our plans. He operates in mysterious, swirly ways that our minds can’t even begin to anticipate, let alone comprehend. 

The devotion I read this morning could not have been more timely. It was entitled, “Be specific about your future.” It asked four direct questions. 
1) What do I want to be? 
2) What do I want to do? 
3) What do I want to have? 
4) Why do I want it? 

So, here it goes. 
1) I want to be a professional singer. (shocker, right?) 
2) I want to travel the world and have a music ministry where I minister to the nations about the love and grace of Jesus Christ. 
3) I want to have CDs in both Spanish and English and I want to have my own band. I also want a husband. And a car. 
4) I want these things because I have had a passion in my heart for singing ever since I was a little girl. I want these things because I believe that these are the things God has called me to. I want these things because God has given me a hunger to go to the nations and see his name proclaimed throughout the earth. I want these things because I need more than anything to fulfill the purpose that God has created for me and my desire is to see the lost, hurting and broken turn to Him and be transformed by His amazing grace. If He saved someone like me, then He can save someone like them. Everyone deserves to know about this grace that is so freely given. I want to be a messenger of that grace. I want to spread the news to the nations about the King who became a servant--the one who died so that I might live. People need to know Him. I want to make Him known. For these reasons I know that I cannot stay silent. To remain silent would be doing a disservice to my King. I must proclaim His name through songs of praise. Anything less would be unacceptable. 

The end of the devotion said this: “If you listen to the what-ifs of your goal, you will fail because of worry and fear. You don’t need to focus on how for now because, once you figure out the why, God will show you the how. He will help you solve the problems that stand in the way of your goal.”   

This simple devotion served as a reminder for me that the ‘how’ is not my responsibility. When I begin to think about the magnitude of the dream that God has placed in my heart, I become immediately overwhelmed with fear, worry and doubt. I feel ridiculous for even dreaming so big. But then I am reminded of the God who I serve. He is the God of the ‘how’ and there is nothing that it too big for Him. All I have to do is simply trust. If these are the things that God has designed for my life, then He will make all the pieces fall into place in His perfect timing. 

Reality Check

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been terrible at updating with my blog since I moved to Honduras. I started with ambition, determined to post once a week...then life took over. I’ve been caught up in learning how to be a teacher, learning how to live in a foreign country and learning how to become a real adult. I continually reminded myself to post an update, but nothing compelled me to write. Until tonight. 

As I was sitting in the middle of the food court enjoying my guilty pleasure (spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s-lettuce only please), I was reminded of why I came to this country. Three sets of brown eyes stared at me and the oldest of the group began asking me for food and money. At first, I was taken by surprise. I’m used to seeing people beg on street corners or come up to the car window and ask for money. It’s almost the norm now for me to watch little boys rapidly clean the windshields of cars in hopes of earning some spare change. However, when I’m in the mall, escaping my reality, I never expect to encounter the face of poverty. Sometimes though, God uses the most unexpected circumstances to get our attention.

After listening to the oldest of the group rapidly ask me to help him and his two siblings, I began asking him questions. I found out his name is Gerson and he is ten years old. He had spent the entire day after school walking the streets and begging with his five year old brother Christian and his three year old sister Marisol. His mom was at home and the three of them had to find a way to get back to her. He told me, “If we don’t get enough money to get home, we’ll sleep on the streets tonight.”

After asking a few more basic questions, I knew I didn’t want to just give the kids money and let them leave--I wanted to hear their story. Between feeding spoonfuls of rice to his baby sister, who he fondly referred to as his princess, Gerson began opening up to me about his life. Every day after school he travels to the mall with his siblings and they sell packets of grape flavored Trident gum to the people walking the streets. He told me I could buy two packs for five lempira--about .25 cents. He is expected to bring home at least 50 lempira ($2.65) to his alcoholic mother, or else she beats him. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Okay, I’ll tell you the truth. Two months ago I came home and someone had robbed the money I had earned. I didn’t have anything to give my mother, so she cut me with a knife.” He then proceeded to roll up his pant leg and show me two scars that were left, forever reminding him of his mothers abuse. When I asked him about his father, he told me that he was an alcoholic and was assaulted two years ago.

After finishing the meal and saving a plate full of food for his two older brothers who were waiting in the house, he told me that they had to leave since it was getting dark. In order to get home the three of them had to take taxis and buses--alone. I wanted to walk them to their bus, but he explained that it was in a dangerous area full of drugs and thieves and that I would not be safe there. He looked at me and said, “I will come back here to see you if you tell me a time. I will be waiting here for you at this table.”

It’s moments like these that make me stop and realize that the problems I’m facing each day are nothing compared to what thousands of kids just like Gerson face every day. Watching the three of them walk away and knowing that I had done all that I could do in that moment was the hardest part. As the three year old “princess” turned around and grinned at me with her dirt stained face, I knew all that was left to do was pray they would make it safely home.

As heartbreaking as it was, I was grateful for that experience. It reminded me of the harsh reality that so many people in this city are dealing with. It encouraged me to pray diligently for them and to not be so focused on the problems I feel I’m facing in my own life. It also reminded me not to become numb to my surroundings. So often kids like Gerson get overlooked or forgotten. As they beg on the streets trying to survive, people toss them a couple lempira just to make them go away. However, their situation is not something that can just “go away.” What they really need is love. Join me in praying for these kids--for their situations as well as revelation on how I can be effective in their lives.

Following the Call

Imagine a city where children spend their days begging on the streets for food and their nights sleeping on concrete sidewalks. They plead with you to give them un lempira but in their eyes there is something so much deeper—they are crying out for love. They come from broken families and their hearts are longing for a glimmer of hope.

This desperation is something I witnessed firsthand in the fall of 2009 when I spent three months as a writing intern and volunteer in Honduras. As I travelled throughout the country, I was able to interact with several different ministries, but nothing affected me more that the experiences I had with the street kids of Tegucigalpa, Honduras. They stole my heart, and since my return to the States, they have never been far from my mind.

God has been stirring within me a passion for missions for the past few years. After being a part of several short-term trips, He has called me to a deeper commitment. In August of this year, I will return to Tegucigalpa, Honduras as a Missionary Associate through the Assemblies of God. I will be assisting Bill Strickland in the ministry he has established at Centro Evangelistico Assembly of God.

This congregation has grown to over 6,000 members and through the church several ministries have been established, such as an orphanage, medical and dental clinic and a Teen Challenge center. In addition to this, there is a Christian bilingual school with around 725 children. I have been given the opportunity to teach second grade at this school, as well as assist with the other ministries that are operated through the church.

As this plan has been unfolding, I have clearly seen God’s hand working out all the details. I am so humbled by this opportunity to serve His kingdom and to have the chance to show the love of Christ to these kids. As you can imagine, there is a financial need involved with making this trip possible. Before I leave, I need to raise $5,000 cash and $600 in monthly support. I would appreciate any support that you would feel called to give. Most importantly, I need your prayers as I begin to make preparations to leave home and start a completely different life in Honduras.

If you would like to give financial support please make checks payable to:

AGWM 1445 Boonville Ave. Springfield, MO 65802
In the memo line include my account number: 4142543

You can also make donations online:
https://secure1.ag.org/contributions/index.cfm

Thank you for your support and prayers and I will continue to keep you all updated throughout this process and during my time in Honduras.

Eso es la vida de Honduras

First I must apologize to all for my lack of blog entries lately. Life in Honduras has been interesting to say the least, so I'll do my best to fill you in on the past two weeks.... After spending the week at Manuelito with the kids, I went back into Tegucigalpa. I spent the weekend hanging out with a few students from El Sembrador farm school as well as with Sarah and Alyssa, another VIA who was in Teguc for the weekend. I was able to spend some time at Amor y Vida church where Project Manuelito has its transition home. I got to meet the kids who are just starting the program and they were just as lovable as the kids out in Talanga. When Monday came around, I was prepared to head up to Villa Gracia for the week long pastors conference. Then life in Honduras happened. Mel Zelaya, the ex president came back into the country, which caused more than a little political tension. In order to keep everyone safe from protests, the government put a curfew on the city. Because of this I was stuck in the guest house in Teguc for three days. Finally on Thursday the curfew was lifted during the day, so I went to the last full day of the pastors conference and was able to interview several of the pastors. On Friday I went back to the conference for the last few sessions and spent the rest of the day preparing to head out to El Sembrador farm school.
I have now been at El Sembrador for a week and have been loving every minute of my time here. El Sembrador is and educational and vocational farm school for teenage boys. Many of the boys come from broken families and rough backgrounds, so this school provides a safe, Christian environment for the boys to gain an education as well as a vocation. There are about 100 boys here currently and they all live on the farm. During the day they work in their vocation which consists of woodworking, woodcarving or industrial mechanics. In the afternoons the boys attend classes and in the evening they have free time to play sports and hang out with one another. There is always some type of activity going on during the evenings, so there is never really a dull moment.
Since I've been here, I've really been able to engage in this ministry in a few different ways. I've been helping one of the missionaries teach English class to 7th and 8th graders, which has been a great opportunity for me to use my Spanish in a more formal setting. The only problem is when I make a mistake, its in front of a room full of teenage boys...not the best situation. I've definitely been stretched in the area of speaking Spanish since I've been here, but I've been really glad for the opportunity. Although I am not anywhere close to being fluent, I feel that I have a much better understanding of the language now that I'm getting the chance to use it on a consistent basis.
In addition to helping with English classes, I have been able to help out with odd jobs like organizing the library and baking cakes for the boys birthday party. I'm also in the process of helping out with the sponsorship program as well as the yearbook. The boys only have one more month left here before their graduation on November 8, so there have been many areas where the ministry needs assistance. The big project that I'm taking on is interviewing each of the boys in order to send one final letter home to their sponsors, letting them know how their year went and how they were challenged in their faith. It's been really great to feel connected to this ministry and to get involved on more than one level.
The one thing I love the most about being on the farm is the sense of community that exists. It almost feels like I'm living in a different world out here, but I love the fact that everyone is together in the same place. There are four missionary couples who work with El Sembrador and all of their houses are on the farm. It's so nice to just be able to walk out of my apartment door and be at a missionaries house in less than two minutes. Everyone here is friendly and welcoming, so I felt comfortable as soon as I arrived. I really appreciate the ministry out here and I'm thankful for the chance to be involved, even if it is only for a short time.

Project Manuelito

Hanging out with one of the Pacheco twins. He also has two more siblings currently in the transition house in Teguc.

When I was first interested in coming to Honduras, one of the ministries that caught my attention was Project Manueltio. If you know me, you know that I am passionate about kids. I just love their innocence and their boldness to say whatever is on their mind. After learning that this ministry was dedicated to helping street kids, I knew that I wanted to be involved. What I didn't know however, was how much my heart would be broken during my time there. The kids who are a part of Project Manuelito have been through more pain and suffering than any kid should ever have to endure. They lived on the streets, spending their days begging for money and food and their nights sleeping on sidewalks. Many of them developed an addiction to sniffing glue, a habit which can severely damage brain cells.
Jorge Pinto, pastor of Amor y Vida church in Tegucigalpa saw the desperate situation of the kids on the streets and decided to begin to meet that need. He started by giving the street kids food, slowly building their trust, and then inviting them to stay at the church for the night. As the program developed, the church became the transition home for the kids who came directly from the streets. After the kids would spend an adequate amount of time in the home, adapting to a scheduled environment with authority figures in their lives, they would move out to the main location in Telanga. That is where I spent my time last week.
In Telanga, the kids all attend school during the day and come back to the project in the afternoon. There is plenty of room on the property for the kids to run around and play and really just have the freedom to be kids. When we arrived on Monday, the kids were so excited to see us, and many of them immediately ran up and gave us hugs and wanted to know who we were. Since independence day for Honduras was on Tuesday, the kids were all out of school for the week, so we really had an unlimited amount of time to get to know them and spend quality time with them. That day I started interviewing some of the kids, asking them to share their stories with me. The first girl I spoke with told me about her life on the street as a four year old who would spend her day begging for money. Although I knew that these kids came from rough situations, it was a complete shock to hear the stories coming directly from them. It made my previous knowledge of their hardship a harsh reality in my mind. I could feel my heart getting heavier with each story that unfolded before me. Finally, I just had to stop my interviews for a while so I could process the information. In spite of the obvious hardships these kids have endured, there current situation is so much better. The kids told me that they like being at Manuelito because they don't have to sleep on the streets anymore. One of the young boys told me that he liked being in the project because he could take a shower. When I asked him if he was ever able to take a shower when he lived on the streets he looked at me like I was crazy and simply said, "no."
It's hard to imagine any little boy or girl living on the streets, desperate to find food, money, anything to help them survive. It's even harder to know their story and have a connection with them, knowing all that they have been through. It hurts my heart to think about their situations, but at the same time it's comforting to know that they are now in a safe place where their needs are met and they are able to get an education. A majority of their parents never visit, but many of the kids are in the program with their siblings, so they have some of their family around. When I think about those kids, my heart is heavy because I want to go back there and spend time with them, to be able to laugh with them and just pour some love into their lives. As you read this post today, please take the time to pray for the kids involved in the program and also for the kids who are still on the streets. Also, pray for the ministry, that funding will continue to come in so that more hurting children can have their lives changed.